For this senior manager in a major company, the stigma of failing her A levels continued to impact her confidence. Despite external affirmations of her ability, achievement and prospects, her sense of shortcoming threatened to limit her career progression. This note followed our first substantive meeting.
Helen,
I thought I would send you this note with some reflections on our conversation earlier this week and two ideas for things to think about in advance of our next meeting. As I said, I was struck by your candour and directness. You said how hard it was for you to tell me about your Mum and your A-level results, your anxiety over how narrow you feel your career experience has been and consequent general lack of confidence. Yet, having had the bravery so to do, I am confident that you will be able to use this coaching programme to explore ways of being that are altogether more comfortable for you. I am simultaneously touched and excited by that prospect and feel privileged that you felt able to be so open so quickly. I shall do my very best to match you.
I suppose my basic premise in all of this will be a gentle insistence that it is OK to be yourself. The difficulty is always in seeing that and believing it in a profound way. For example, whatever I, or others, might think about you will actually have little impact on how you view yourself. I heard how much you doubt yourself despite the many external affirmations of your achievements and of you. You will, for example, remember telling me about one of your bosses saying “you are awesome” or McKinsey’s observation that you will readily find a role with them should you choose. So, what to do about all this?
One way to wind into it is to experiment with just holding in your awareness these two phrases – the “awesome” comment and the McKinsey offer – and reflecting on them. Reflection for me is a gentle process, a ‘being with’ an idea rather than actively thinking about it or deciding what to do about it. Reflection is equivalent to our absorbing a liquid through osmosis rather than drinking, it is passive, characterised by quietness and an inner contemplation. What might have been the underlying meaning of the individuals who said those things? From what place in them were these messages coming? Are these things that they regularly say to people, do you think? What are the feelings that arise for you when people say such things? I shall be interested to hear your experience of reflection when next we talk but know that reflection is often beyond words.
The other thing I want to say is about spontaneity. We talked a bit about what you described as your English reserve. Somehow it is unsafe to say straight out what you really think. How would it be if you felt able to express your first reaction to events rather than holding it back and coming out a little later with a more considered expression? Perhaps you might explore that too. To begin with don’t even say anything out loud, just notice instances when you find yourself holding back and try to know your true instant reaction, whatever it is in the moment. Nothing more is required right now. Again, I shall be interested to hear your experience of this.
Hopefully neither task seems onerous but each is a step on which you will build. If you have any questions or would like me to explain more then please do just call me.
Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next week.
With warm regards,
Simon
